They say forgiveness is power

She types with a defeated soul and a heavy heart, yearning for the weight to be lifted before she is crushed beneath it. Taking a deep breath, she prays for courage and strength. She finds herself growing weaker in a black and white world of darkness.

Tired of faking her smile, she writes; tired of drowning to stay afloat, she writes; tired of holding back, she writes. This day she writes to be free. To fly unbound. To live unburdened, she writes.

She forgives you.
For using the power she gave you to break her
For making promises you couldn’t keep
For seeing but not bothering to look...for being so blind
For ignoring her tears
For feeding her fears
For misjudging her and by doing so never giving her a fair chance 
For breaking her trust and turning away as she crumbled
For not loving her, as she did love you
For ignoring her tears
For feeding her fears
For keeping her under the delusion that you cared
For giving up and letting go
For not fighting to stay

She has no place for malice in her soul. Already bursting at the seams, slowly and surely, one day she will come undone. That day will call for resurrection - for new beginnings and blank pages. And come that day, she hopes to be rid of the ghosts that haunt her. 

So, as she prepares to move into a world filled with light and color…you, dear friend, are forgiven.

Faith, conviction and a truckload of patience

Relationships are funny.

Only in hindsight.  But funny nonetheless. 

Relationships are bonds between two or more people.  They connect minds, connect bodies, connect hearts. They are like invisible threads that tie people together. But I've learnt that you can never take anything for granted or for face value. These threads may be invisible but some are made of cotton, some of elastic and others made of steel. One can never know which one it is until someone tries to cut it. These relationships also come with a side order of compromise which is more often than not mistaken as sacrifice. I've made that mistake.

Anyone who knows me, and I mean really knows me, would know that when I go in -I go all in. Maybe that makes me hyper.  Perhaps I seem obsessed.  But that is who I am. Passionate. That is what I am.

"Chill out"

"Relax"

I'd be a millionaire if I had a buck for every time someone said these words to me. At first I never took it seriously. But as time does to most things, It wore me down. I second guessed myself. Maybe they're right.....maybe I should change....these people are my friends,  they only want what's best for me...right? Wrong. I tried to "relax". I made an attempt to "chill". My passion faded slowly and surely and I left with just the shell of a person I used to be. I was empty and suddenly lost. Where were my friends then?

People will as always tell me what's wrong with me. But if I keep changing to suit others, somewhere along the way I will lose myself. Nothing is worth sacrificing who I am. This got me thinking. Why on earth am I sacrificing anything at all?!

I deserve to be surrounded by people who will feed my passion instead of letting it fizzle out. People who won't tell me to "Chill" or "Relax" because they accept me the way I am without expecting anything different. Everybody deserves this.

So no. I will not change. And neither should you.  Because at the end of the day we all have only ourselves to live with. And when we believe in our selves....eventually others will too. Thus formed are the relationships that are golden and everlasting with threads of titanium.  No sacrifice necessary. It sounds like a pretty good deal. All we need is faith, conviction and a truckload of patience.

 

Serendipity

There are times when I get the strong urge to leave everyone behind and start over. The same conversations with the same people over and over again, have me questioning what I am doing with my life. I wonder how people can be content with the mediocrity of these meaningless interactions. I know I am not. For, I believe with every bone in my body that I'm destined for more. I spend days floating around in a dark abyss searching for something that my soul yearns but my mind can't comprehend.

I finally learned that sometimes leaving your comfort zone can be rewarding. Sure, I've been disappointed more times than I can count. But I realised today that sometimes people can surprise you and you can surprise yourself in return.

It's been a long day. I woke up early, studied, went for vocal training and hit the gym. I reached home by ten pm. I should be exhausted,  right? I wasn't. I got into bed thinking sleep would grace me with its presence.  It didn't. So I went from staring at the ceiling to staring at my phone screen. As I mindlessly scrolled through my contacts a sudden restlessness overcame me and I knew that sleep wouldn't come till I scratched an itch I couldn't see. Name by name I searched waiting for something to tick or for inspiration to strike but all I felt was numb indifference towards each and every one of them. I felt like my friend pool needed to be filtered. And so, I did something I never imagined I'd ever do. I talked to a stranger.

I went to the list of people who were online on Facebook and clicked on the first name of a person I didn't know. It was crazy. I felt like a creep. But somehow it seemed right. I typed a basic "hey" and I hit send before my brain could hop in and start telling me that it was a bad idea. What was the worst that could happen? He probably wouldn't reply.  He'd think I was some creepy stalker. I figured I had nothing to lose. I got an almost instant reply. And so that is how, at 12 am, I found myself conversing with a stranger.

People who know me will argue that he wasn't a stranger. They'll tell me that we know each other. I beg to differ. We only 'knew' the people we used to be...We know as much about each other as I would know about the next woman I pass on the road - close to nothing.  And that in itself was liberation.

And so we talked. I learnt more about myself as I went on to know more about him. Somehow all the nervousness and shame disappeared. Somehow, I felt whole again. It was a short lived conversation. We were both tired (I'm assuming he was). We said our goodbyes. I doubt we'll end up as friends. I'm not sure if I'll ever talk to him again. I can't even guarantee that our paths will ever cross. But that's okay. What we shared was special in its brevity and simplicity. Our exchange renewed my will to keep looking for whatever it is that keeps me up at night.

So thank you stranger. Without realising it, you suddenly made my world a nicer place and I can finally feel sleep creeping up on me. That sneaky bastard.

Empty spaces

Something is missing.
I'm not sure what it is or where it should fit in but I can FEEL it.
Something is missing.

There's a void within me. The wind blows right through it and the cold numbs my soul, till the sun comes out and I feel again. But feelings get hurt.

I see people every day. All around me everywhere.  And they're saying things and doing things and I am just sitting here watching them wishing I could be happy. Or at least be able to pretend I am. They pass me by, transcendent, like extras in a movie. Moving in a blur and speaking in silence. They seem content with mediocrity. I know I'm not and maybe that's my problem.

I yearn for depth. A connection with a person that reason nor logic can explain. I ache for it. Everybody is just scratching at the surface now a days. They are too afraid to dip their toes in the water and I've hit the ocean floor. It's beautiful and haunting but it's also lonely.  And when the sunlight disappears it gets cold and dark. Suddenly I'm lost. Suddenly I'm scared. Some days it's worth it. Other days I want to drown.

I'm not waiting for a prince charming to save me. No, I know better than that. But it would be nice if someone would stand by my side and give me the strength to be able to save myself.

When The clock strikes 12

When I close eyes and envision the moment before the year is truly over, I would imagine that I'd have a mini flashback of all the significant moments of 2014, just like a movie; the air would suddenly shift; my body would tense and suddenly relax at the prospect of a new beginning and I would feel a surge of unadulterated happiness as soon as the new year begins.

In reality, I was in my parents' big comfy bed...convincing myself not to succumb to slumber because, well, 12 o' clock is a really important moment..right? 

Wrong.

 I fell asleep till my brother ran into the room and jumped on the bed screaming "happy new year!". When I realized I missed it, I was hit by a tsunami sized wave of utter disappointment. Where was the flashback? Where was anticipation? Where was the magic? And just like that, I began to wonder whether there really was anything special about the new year. I shut my eyes and snuggled into bed hoping to wake up, a changed woman.

When I finally woke up and checked my phone, I let my eyes linger over the new date. Maybe if I looked at it long enough something would happen! 

Still nothing.

It dawned on me, then, that a new year would never change me. It is just another ordinary day, really. The rest of the world sees it as the beginning of something great, I look at it as a way to start over, an opportunity to make a change for myself and the people around me and an excuse to make a long list of things I would like to get done but never will. 

So no, it won't change me overnight. But maybe, just maybe, it will give me the courage to grow and bloom before the clock strikes 12 next year. 

Forbidden Fruit

We all want things that we can't have. It's human nature. its the sick, sordid truth to our very existence. Like a slow poison, desire creeps through our veins more often than not. Sometime we resist. And sometimes we give in to it. 

Temptation.Whether its the urge to cheat on your diet or your significant other or even on a pop quiz...we are all tempted to do things that we know, will have an ugly result. So why do we do it anyway? It's because each and every one of us hopes that we are the exception. The one person who is exempted from facing the wrath of our poor decisions simply because we believe we are better than the next person. 

I recently dipped my toes into the dangerous waters of delusion. I didn't fall. I stumbled. Not into love, but into liking. It was short lived but every single second scared me and I could feel the guilt gnawing at my conscience. Why? The object of my affection was forbidden fruit. 

I knew that if I took a bite, my world would come crashing down on me. That made it all the more irresistible, all the more frightening. And for some crazy reason, i justified myself with the deluded ideas of kismet and fate that had somehow become my shield. I had been put under a spell that stopped me from thinking straight. I was lucky to make it out unscathed but it was enough to teach me that while there may be many things that tempt me, I will be a stronger, better human being if I refuse to give in. 

It's takes some people months, some years and some forever to realize that  each and every human is equal and is equally vulnerable to the unwritten laws that have bound humanity and kept it from falling off the edge of time and space. We must save each other from none other than ourselves.

Rejection

Someone once said that failure and rejection are different. My biggest fear has always been failure. Today, I failed. There are so many tasks that one has to complete in a lifetime. One task. For the last three years, I had to do one thing. Work towards getting into the school of my dreams. The result? They rejected me. In other words, I failed to get accepted. And just like that, my biggest fear and I were eye to eye in an ugly standoff. One which I am bound to lose. 

Failure-2
Me-0

I know, I should take it into my stride and make the most of my situation blah blah blah. But as great as all of it sounds. It is easier said than done. This is my life at stake. Funny, considering my life has barely even started. 

They say that failure is a stepping stone to success. Okay so I should be excited at the prospect of something finally  going right in my life sometime in the near future, correct? Then why do I feel like there is something sinking in the ocean that is my mind because of a storm raised by my own emotions, dragging with it, any positive outlook  i might have ever had?

It's done. Over. I might never be the same person again. Failure does that to you i suppose. Changes you. For the better? I guess that's up to me but for now all I really want to do is curl up in bed and cry till I fall asleep and dream of victory.